Today marks a significant milestone: I’ve completed one year as a full-time Software Development Engineer. While this is certainly good news, there’s a flip side to consider. As I reflect on my 1.75+ years as a corporate employee, I’m reminded that my original dream was always to thrive, give my absolute best at everything I do, and eventually become a founder. The plan was to gain experience while constantly developing myself. Let me walk you through this journey and my current reflections.
Acknowledging What I’ve Learned
Before diving into my concerns, I must give credit where it’s due. Thank you to OnlineSales for providing such an incredible opportunity to learn in a small-scale, fast-paced development environment. In this role, I’ve learned about communication, risk management, product development and maintenance, and gained real-world knowledge. I’ve experimented in production, experienced failures, and implemented fixes. In such a short time, I’ve worked with numerous tech stacks that many developers only dream of touching. This journey has been a roller coaster—and I’ve lived it and loved it.
The Reality Check
While this experience has been remarkable, it has come at a cost—a cost I’ve genuinely paid. I’ve sacrificed personal time repeatedly, stayed awake countless nights, and neglected responsibilities in various relationships for extended periods. I haven’t given my body enough time to recover and improve.
The toll goes deeper than just time management. I’ve lost interest in many things I once enjoyed—movies don’t feel the same anymore, that spontaneous smile and laughter seem to have faded. Even during moments that should be relaxing, I’m constantly reminded of tasks I need to complete. However, it’s not too late—I’m working on balancing everything simultaneously, so overall, things seem manageable.
The Heart of the Matter
The dream is ambitious, and it demands:
- Consistency
- Devotion
- Effort
- Love
- Passion
Am I ready for that? Yes, I am. I start things with consistency, but inevitably, there comes a time when I need to slow down and attend to other responsibilities as a “responsible” adult. Deep down, I’m still that college kid who wants to have fun, needs space to make mistakes without criticism, and requires guidance in life. I know everyone struggles with contentment and compares themselves to others, so this might not be a unique concern.
The real issue is this pattern: whenever I build consistency, life demands that I pause and redirect my attention elsewhere. During these periods, I maintain minimal effort just to keep the habit alive. But when I realize I’m only going through the motions without genuine engagement, I stop the activity entirely, telling myself I’ll return when I feel its value and necessity again.
Here are three things I’ve dropped recently:
- MMA club
- LeetCode
- GitHub contributions
I fear Duolingo might be next (I just completed a 30-day streak today, but I’m feeling insecure about maintaining it 😞)
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I try to give my best, but the working hours are hectic, and I feel overly constrained by them. Sometimes the work demands consume me entirely. I need space to experiment and explore on my own terms. That’s why I started working on personal projects recently. While I’m proud of completing them, I haven’t followed up on feedback or iterations since.
Adding to this challenge, since January I’ve been seeking a job switch, but I’ve slowed down on that front as well. I need to refocus on this search because landing a better position where I can have somewhat more personal time could unlock many opportunities. Yet I know it’s never enough—I have to continuously strive to be better at everything.
What the Dream Actually Is
The dream is multifaceted: to make a meaningful impact on society, excel at everything I pursue, maintain good physical health, spread love, and overcome shyness. Most importantly, the dream is to start something of my own—to experiment during this crucial age when I should embrace failure as a stepping stone to success. I’ll explore this vision in greater detail in a future article.
The Cover That Conceals the Dream
So what’s stopping me from pursuing all of this? The answer lies in what I call “the cover”—the comfort zone. My appetite for risk has diminished, and my mentality has shifted toward seeking safer options. I need to liberate my thoughts and embrace the philosophy of “live, laugh, love” without hesitation.
I’m putting this reflection out there because I need your help. If you have suggestions, advice, or insights, please share them with me. Your perspective could be the catalyst I need to bridge the gap between my dreams and my current reality.
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